Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.