Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
You Might Also Like
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
two people or more is called a problem