Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
no refunds
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.