Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Finally! 😈
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen