I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
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Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My neck my back my allergy attack
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them