It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
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my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Seek kebab; not attention
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I love the National Park Service.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]