@gorrdano: Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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@UncleDuke1969: Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person? Me: ... H: ... M: ... H: Why are you hesitating? M: I'm not sure which answer will get me laid.
@liamoryan: Rest of world: don't do anything crazy plz UK: fk u we used to own u watch this *does backflip *money falls out of pockets *cracks head open
@joshgondelman: I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail.
@NotBachibawlz: Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says "Ya want a box for them?" "I was willing to pay" I said "but I guess we can fight for em"