@gorrdano: Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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@dafloydsta: BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve. ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
@SufficientCharm: My boyfriend thinks it's cute when I use the clap emoji but I've just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
@FSUSteve: Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?