@gorrdano: Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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@aveuaskew: Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
@Rollinintheseat: *Shakespeare resetting his password* "Enter new password." Fortnight "Your password is two weeks."
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Just let her down easy ME: Ok [later] ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
@TomTheWicked: Don't blame me. You're the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.