Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.