@awkwardphilippe: Is your wife single?
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@crouton_futon: "Oh shit I murdered someone" "You should turn yourself into the police" "Great idea!" *puts on badge and hat* "Looks like a suicide to me"
@Flattliner: The last time Twitter was down I was forced to speak to real people. Real people go on and on and on and on, for way over 140 characters...
@KentWGraham: If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
@WheelTod: Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark