Is your wife single?
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Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.