ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.