ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
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Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Name this drama.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.