Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
j o i m p
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job