@chuuew: Isn't it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn't think so but that's what my new best friend is telling security
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@novicefather: You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don't like you and she likes everyone.
@AJ_VanFossen: I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven't pooped it out yet, I'm really scared you guys.
@liv_thatsme: person: don’t worry. having sex is like riding a bike. *remembering lying in several ditches on the side of the road throughout my life* me: OH SHIT.
@Fred_Delicious: Waiter, there's a spider in my pie. I thought you had an "award winning chef" *waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*