Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
how long have you had this for?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice