Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat