This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
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My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours