Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know