My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
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If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I don’t think my car can fly
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….