Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
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Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped