Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
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Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Stop.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Body by cheese-puffs.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Yup.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.