*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!