ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
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4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Shoo shoo! 😂
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.