It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
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my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
dads on road-trips be like
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes