It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶