My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
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I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
had to share :’)
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Hmmmmm
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
my mind
You just read my mind
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial