My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this