It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Our lord and savoury.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink