* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.