It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.