@KentWGraham: It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.
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@LetMeStart: My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they're naming IKEA furniture.
@JimGaffigan: "Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?" - Inventor of club sandwich
@TheTweetOfGod: I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
@ilovepie84: A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.