It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”