A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Selfie
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”