It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous