It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
This why you should mind your business
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.