It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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A customer told me they were never coming back….
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Auto correct is my worst enema.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
B
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!