AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.