It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
You learn something every day
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.