not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him