Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
the Monday after daylight savings
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.