When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.