“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
You Might Also Like
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
couldn’t resist
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
okay run it by me one more time
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX