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[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
God: you鈥檙e a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can鈥檛 fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that鈥檚 fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that鈥檚 not flying lol.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn鈥檛 put one on in the first place?
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn鈥檛 seem too bad I mean he鈥檚 just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I鈥檝e been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I鈥檓 so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I put “extremely organized” on my r茅sum茅 and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I don’t want to say I’m na茂ve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
When you鈥檙e firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you鈥檙e not gonna believe this
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.