@BromanConsul: "It doesn't say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see," I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
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@KKAlThani: Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.
@daemonic3: [interview] What is your greatest strength? "Throwing my voice" You're hired! "Ok great, thanks" Wait I didn't say- oh wow you're good
@TwatWaffler69: If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.
@kwirkyKerri: Then Satan said, "Let's convince everyone they need to go gluten free." And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.