@BromanConsul: "It doesn't say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see," I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
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@Home_Halfway: BARISTA: I have an order for...God? Is there a God? [no one answers] ATHEIST: Haha told ya GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I'm here ATH: Shit
@sixfootcandy: Me:*Gently nudges your arm* Would you like to be my Valentine? Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
@Quartzjixler: I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know. - smokers
@vikkaroni: I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.