Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.