@TheMichaelRock: It feels like Obama's been on tour longer than The Rolling Stones.
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@jordan_stratton: DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth's equator, most of them would drown.
@saucy_peaches: Had a talk with 12. M: Do you know what a period is? 12: Yes, mom, it's the dot at the end of the sentence. M: ... 12: ... M: Good talk
@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
@SoVeryBritish: Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says "I'm going to have to cancel tonight"