Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
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ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.