Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer