“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Webb. James Webb.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one