“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
The most important meal of the day is the next one
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.