IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”