Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
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*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.